Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
