While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
