I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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