I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
