it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
