You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
