I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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