The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
