i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
