She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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