He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
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