I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
