I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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