I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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