Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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