The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm at about main and main street
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
