I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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