In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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