I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
