I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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