The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
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