I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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