Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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