Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
