Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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