I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
