Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
