I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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