he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
His nipple licking is glorious
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