The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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