3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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