insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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