I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize