this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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