Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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