not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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