I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
