I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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