My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize