i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
