I wish I could punch you in the face.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
