Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We are two peas in an std pod
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
