Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize