I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
