Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
