A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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