So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
