my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
