i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
