ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
