i jhust puked up my retainher.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
