Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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