o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
