I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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