Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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