i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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