He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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