Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
