She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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