How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize