i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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