Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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